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it just doesn't stop more crap you won't read useless pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I'm Kind of a Big Deal previous previous next next
if I were an attractive female you'd all pay more attention
Let's see where this goes...

Let me tell you something you don't know about superheroes. They're not at all like you see in comic books. They're not all muscular. They don't all have secret identities. They don't even all wear costumes. And what's worse, they don't even all have cool names anymore. Superheroes have become boring, passe. No one cares about them, and to a large degree, they don't care about you anymore. They just perform the occasional feat of heroism to remind people that they're still around. It's tragic. And more than a little sad.

With that as a preface, I'll introduce myself. My name is Megaman Vanguard. And I'm a superhero. Such as it is.

I know what you're thinking. 'Megaman Vanguard? That's a stupid superhero name.'

Yeah, well, let me tell you about superhero names. All the good ones were taken up years ago. So instead of repeating, we just started combining names from old video games. Seriously.

My parents don't know I'm a superhero, which is amazing, because I live in their basement, and I can bench press a car. They just complain that I need to lose some weight and meet a nice girl.

Again, I know what you're thinking. 'Don't all superheroes have awesome physiques? Aren't you all ripped like Olympian gods under your clothes?' Well, no. And screw you for judging me. I can lift over 40,000 pounds. I'm not fast, but I can run for hundreds of miles before getting tired. And moreover, I can fly. Do you know how many crunches I would have to do to lose these love-handles? I don't have the time or patience for that. But I can kick your ass in some Halo 3, let me tell you.

I work in a video store. I know, I know, it's another underachiever stereotype. But it's in a really bad part of town, and at least when I'm there, I run the chance of coming across some crime that I can stop. I may not actually care, but occasionally I get a twinge of "with great power comes great responsibility" guilt. But for the most part, I say fuck that. Being a superhero hasn't gotten me laid once. I know, I know, Superman has Lois Lane, Cyclops has Jean Grey, Spider-Man has Mary Jane. Well, those guys are the frat boys of the superhero world. Seriously. The Justice League, the X-Men and the Avengers are like the Alpha Betas from Revenge of the Nerds. But me? Not a so much as a "Oh! My hero!" HJ. I guess it doesn't help that my superhero costume is a glitter-painted black sweatshirt with a stylized (I use that word lightly) 'M V' on it, Adidas warm-up pants and some old Skechers. Money was tight when I chose the whole name thing. And spandex makes me look like a Polish sausage.

I'm not alone among the lesser-known superheroes. My best friend, Star Fox Bomberman, works at the Boston Market in the same strip mall as my video store. He lives with his girlfriend, who weighs like six hundred pounds. She also doesn't know that he's a superhero. She just whines that he needs to go back to school and marry her. And stop hanging around with "losers who live with their parents." I forgot to mention I have super-hearing, too. Fuck you, you stupid cow. I hope you get your tit stuck in the garbage disposal.

That was uncalled for. I'm sorry.

So SFB and I were chillin' at the Wal-Mart parking lot the other night after work, eating some Boston Market mac'n'cheese (that stuff is awesome) and kind of doing our "Dark Knight" thing, when some motherfucker scraped the side of SFB's car. It's a cherry '89 Ford Probe with an awesome teal flame decal on the side. Well, as it turned out, that was our arch-nemesis, Gradius Dragon Warrior, in his piece of shit Jeep Wrangler. Totally messed up SFB's clear coat, so we had to throw down. SFB stared at his Jeep until the gas tank exploded, which was pretty cool, except that Gradius is mostly invulnerable. And he has super-speed. So he sped away from the explosion, but he tripped over one of his shoelaces, which was lucky, because I was able to catch up to him, and I threw him a long, long way up in the air. Then he used his heat vision to burn up my tub of mac'n'cheese. So I flew up to where he was falling, and totally punched him in the dick. That is just so uncool. Messing with a man's mac'n'cheese.

Well, he fell to the ground, clutching his spheres of power, and SFB was about to make his ass explode by staring at it, when Gradius' sidekick, Joust Double Dribble (he doesn't really get the whole "superhero names" thing), who works at the MurphyUSA in the Wal-Mart parking lot, rushed over and scissor-kicked Star Fox in the back of the head. So instead of GDW's ass exploding, the El Camino that he was laying next to exploded. SFB got up and tried to make Joust's ass explode, but he was already up and dragging Gradius away. Then Joust used his web gun (Joust's a "gadget hero," not one of us "naturals") to swipe SFB's iPod off the ground where it had fallen. SFB panicked, which is a very bad thing. It's what keeps him out of the top tier of superheroes.

When Star Fox Bomberman panics, he starts farting fire. Nuclear fire. It's really embarrassing. I guess it's why he's always trying to make villans' asses explode.

So he started shouting, "MV, MV, you've got to help me! I'm freakin' out here, man!" So I had to let Gradius and Joust get away with the iPod and pick up SFB before he turned the entire Wal-Mart parking lot into a radioactive glass sculpture garden. So there I am, flying around with my friend, who looks like he has a solid rocket booster jammed up his ass, trying to calm him down without laughing at him. And trying to figure out a way to get that iPod back. He had some really choice tunes on there, man.

Yes, friends, the life of a superhero is complex and full of peril.

to be continued...

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hey little fella, how are you doing today?: accomplished
soundtrack: The Black Keys - My Mind is Ramblin'

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