I was reading a chat with Bill Simmons (ESPN's "The Sports Guy") where one of his readers told him he had recently received a lap dance at a strip club to the song "Mr. Roboto" by Styx, and asked Bill what he thought were the worst songs hear during a lap dance. Bill responded with "We Built This City" by Starship, which is an acceptable answer because it's the worst song ever in any circumstance, and also added "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel because it's so fast.

Now, I'm not a fan of strip clubs or lap dances - and I say that not to impress anyone but because it's important to note that I have never had a lap dance and have only been inside a strip club three times in my life - but I would almost consider getting one for the sheer hilarity of watching someone try to be sexy to "We Built This City."

Regardless of my personal feelings about strip clubs, I figured a fun (and very white) playlist would be the ten hilariously bad lap dance songs. So, with some input from my brother (who also does not like strip clubs, for the record), I give you:

Ten Terrible Songs for Lap Dances

1. Starship - We Built This City

Who can argue with this? Note: I couldn't find the song, which really pisses me off, but here's the video from YouTube. Imagine some stripper gyrating to this:

2. Styx - Mr. Roboto

This would definitely be the jerkiest, er... least fluid, er... bad. That's what this would be. Bad.

3. USA for Africa - We Are the World (bad recording, I apologize)

It would be especially funny to see how the dancer would react when Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen is mumbling his verse. It's even funnier if you can visualize the music video, where everyone's standing on the risers like kids in the middle school chorus. Bruce looks like he's crapping himself as he sings, and Bob sounds like a yowling cat in that big crowd. And there's no way to make this sexy.

4. John Mayer - Daughters

This would just be fucked up.

5. Metallica - Master of Puppets

There's not much that's as unsexy as early Metallica.

6. Matchbox Twenty - Disease

If nothing else, this would probably be the most truthful lap dance song ever.

7. John Fogerty - Centerfield

This would just be hilariously bad. Imagine it with baseball props.

8. They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (not Constantinople)

This just in: accordions are not sexy.

9. Tori Amos - Crucify

By the end of this, both you and your stripper will have killed yourselves.

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Dead and Bloated

Mmm mmm mmm! Nothing says sexy like "dead and bloated!"

BONUS: The Bloodhound Gang - A Lap Dance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying

Simply the greatest song about lap dances ever.

Tags: music
hey little fella, how are you doing today?: bouncy
soundtrack: The Bloodhound Gang - A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying